*Warning! Huge file is huge!*
For those of you who don't understand the last part, you feel warm and comfortable just before you freeze to death.
Wow, that's one way to end a story? Actually, this is only the first half, and it's how I want to leave the end of 2012- what I've dubbed the Year of Sorrows. This comic strip is the personification of my own struggle as well as those around me through this year. Yes, someone always suffers every year, but this was hard for almost everyone I knew. "It's cold..."
It wasn't an overly cold year where I live literally, but I found friends and family all became more and more distant as the year went on. The world felt like a cruel and heartless place, and I felt alone... Hurricane Sandy hit, the mass shooting in Connecticut elementary school occurred, and certainly some life was lost over the "12/21/12 is the end of the world" nonsense." "Where is everybody? Did they get lost?" "Did they... freeze? Some of them did... They're gone... Gone..."
So many people I know and know of have lost someone they held dear. I know I did. I lost three, each almost exactly a month apart. The Saturday before Christmas I attended a memorial service for someone who was not blood family, but they were still family. The only one crying harder than me was her daughter, my "sister." In October, I lost my paternal grandmother. In August, I spent more than a week with her including my birthday."Wait... Where am I?"
I am very quickly learning how cruel and non-inclusive the world is. I am also on the verge of adulthood, belonging neither to that group of those already adults or to those who are still enjoying their time left as children. I'm stuck in the middle, and I have been for several years now. I am at the front of the classroom, a bright star in the eyes of my teachers; and I am in the back of the minds of my peers, no more than a shadow that's useful once in a while. I essentially belong nowhere as of now..."I can't see... I can't trust my own vision."
I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I thought I had an idea, but I've been proven wrong too many times this year to think I know anything. The world doesn't make sense. People don't make sense. People themselves are, largely, huge hypocrites. They say they understand, but they're just trying to make you feel better. I've come to only trust those whose reputations and testamonies prove they understand. I also trust those who don't comfort me with words, but a hug and a shoulder to cry on instead. Even if they don't understand my grief, they want to be there for me. "Tired... I'm so tired... I just want to sleep... Somewhere where it's warm..."
I did not even take joy in Christmas this year. There was so much I had to do, and ultimately little I could give. I think I'm not happy unless I feel I'm accomplishing something for someone else. Doing things for myself seems to leave me empty. But doing things for others! The smiles on their faces, and even the tears they cry out of joy! THAT'S what makes me happy. I don't really like getting stuff. Especially since I've figured out I don't even want anything in the end. Not really. Things are nice to have, but they're just things. They can't love you back or comfort you.
I was still crying come Christmas. I was so tired. I was so done. I didn't even try to sit with the other adults at the table because I didn't feel I had anything to talk about except things that were depressing or things that they would take no interest in like Doctor Who, My Little Pony, etc. And even those things I love so much because I partake of them with friends and others. If you're among company who's never heard of such things, why even talk about it? I ate essentially by myself. I kept crying after Christmas. I'm crying as I'm writing this... I'm tired, and I just want a chance to breathe...
But it's not the end just yet...
Part 2: [link]
Bones (C) Me.